Once I had blue eyes
by moonbird
Summary: immediately after the episode "Victory of the Daleks." the doctor makes a very fatal mistake, he lets himself be alone with his own thoughts, and with a brain like the doctors that just never sleeps, there is no helping the confrontation with the past.


Why would they just never die! why did they always have to return!?

They were like the virus where whenever you thought you had discovered a cure, they just mutated to grow even stronger and infect yet another world, to hell with them, to hell with the Daleks.

Despite actually have calmed down while he was on earth with Amy and Winston, the doctor's rage was now up and running again, he had made the fatal mistake of putting himself inside his room to think alone, to think for god sake! think about the Daleks, how stupid was that!?

All those horrible images this incarnation had so far been spared just floated merciless back and the rage he had released upon the Dalek in the war room returned so he had to release it on his own wall as he hammered his hands against it. "WHY!?"

All other times he had meet the Daleks he had killed them, one by one determent to make them as extinct as his own people, but now they actually had the means to reproduce themselves, and there was no question about that it was only a matter of time before they began to conquer.

Conquer worlds, declare war towards whoever that could actually defend them self, which only were so few planets, Gallifray who had been the mightiest planet in cosmos had yet been so ill prepared, they had spend all their time on only observing never interfere, they had no idea of how to fight, and they had no idea of how to face horrible ultimatums in a honorable way, when they had finally faced the ultimatum they had chosen the cowards way, their own consciousness's in trade for the entire universe.

But never turn your head away from cowards, cowards are no one but just very scared people, and only the fool is never scared.

The Doctor pressed his hands towards the cold surface of his long bedroom mirror as he pressed his forehead towards it, he could fell a tear of bitter disappointment fall down his face but felt determent that it was the last one. Looking up again he saw his own still very unfamiliar reflection looking back at him. He had green eyes again, green like his ninth incarnation.

It had been a strange coincidence between his 8 first incarnations, they all had had blue eyes. blue eyes of innocent, then came to war and his gruesome task of preventing the Time lords of destroying the universe and preventing the Daleks from ever conquer it again, the latter he had failed horrible yet again. His eyes were no longer blue. Somehow he believed that was how it was meant to be, he should never have blue eyes again.

One good thing about getting old, you don't care what you look like, oh sure he liked to pretend and act egocentricity for the fun of it, but in reality he just didn't cared. He knew he was a smart version, and he knew no matter what he looked like some races would think he looked ugly, most people on earth would probably think he looked pretty weird at the moment.. like when..

He half smiled as he saw an very old yet very familiar reflection in the mirror, shinning blue eyes that yet reflected his own saddens, long limbs but in the reflection they were on eye height anyhow, funny curls and a long scarf.

"What would you have done?" he asked the question to his own reflection that mockingly silently formed the exact same words with its lips.

"You had the choice." he continued talking to partly his new self and partly his old self. And he remembered, when he had the chance to make sure the Dalek race would never have existed, he was there in that incarnation, at the Daleks birth and he had the switch to turn them off.

"why didn't you?"

There was no answer, the silence was just lingering in the room, and the truth be told, he had forgotten. He was sure he had a reason at the time, and a very good reason even. He remembered doubting himself when he was about the pull that switch and ultimately made the choice he felt was the only right one, but why?

If you are standing with a little newborn baby, and you know that that baby is going to be a mass killer, does that give you the right to kill it?

That was it, oh it all seemed so clear at the time, but the doctor didn't felt like he knew the answer to that question anymore.

"Why didn't you?"

Startled the doctor widened his eyes, he hadn't uttered those words, somebody else in the room had, weary he looked at his old reflection of his fourth incarnation and saw the reflection stare as intense back at him, but not as in a mirror image as they didn't any longer followed the same movements.

"I, I couldn't just let the earth die." the newly regenerated doctor answered. and then with more determination. "If we can't protect the children of earth, what can we protect?"

The curly haired didn't answer, he didn't smirked and he didn't smiled, he just kept looking back with those piercing blue eyes.

"Yeas I know, you're just in my mind, I am literately talking to myself." the bowtie doctor sighed. "If I don't have any answer you don't have any answer."

"Remember that lost Dalek in the space museum?"

The mirror image no longer contained the scarfed image, but just reflected the doctor's current state, and the voice seemingly had come from behind him. The doctor sighed deeply as there was no mistaking that northern English accent, he barely looked over the shoulder as he saw his ninth incarnation with the leather jacket. "Remember what happened?" the mental imaged asked.

"I became the monster." the Doctor sighed not really wanting to remember. "I was blinded by the hate, and it made me forget the important thing, if I can't set saving a life before genocide, what am I?"

again the mental image decided not to answer.

"riiight, no magically appearing answers." The doctor took himself to the forehead.

Turning to his left the doctor startled faced yet another mental image, this time a man with long light brown curls and a elegant green jacket. the last blue eyed incarnation. No words was necessary from this one, he had been to one to make a third ultimatum in the time war, and had gone through with it, and the price had been everything.

"You did what you had to do." The doctor told his silent mental image. "And you did it again, if it have to be a third time, I would do it."

As the doctor saw himself with dose sad eyes in front of him he just wished that image would somehow speak, just say something, anything!? "Why don't you speak!" the doctor yelled the last words without realizing he had prepared them, and shocked hold a hand towards his mouth as his eyes widened, were he finally going mental?

"When was the first strike in the Timewar." the mental image asked.

The doctor's eyes widened again, that question was totally a stray from his current thoughts, but his mental image had asked it.

The scarfed curly haired image suddenly appeared beside his eight incarnation so they were standing side by side. "Oh a better question, what would the Timelords have liked to be the first strike?"

The doctor thought back, when was even the first time the Daleks had launched a direct attack at the Timelords.. or rather. the doctor snapped his fingers. when did the Time Lords strike first at the Daleks.

"You!" the doctor pointed as his scarfed mental image. "You were the first strike, when they send me back to the past, it was their first strike against the Daleks, which means." the doctor looked horrified down at himself. "That I started it."

"Or not" yet another image appeared, a image the doctor hadn't entirely come to terms with loosing, the long skinny bloke with the pin stripped suit. "As far as I remember I didn't deliver the blow, I didn't start the war."

"Always the optimist you were." the doctor smiled vaguely.

"Sometimes it's just better not knowing what is right and what is wrong." the pin striped answered. "people who knows for sure just goes mad."

the green jacket doctor was probably the most gloomy of them. "I did my best to end it." he said.

Not knowing where he had come from the almost as gloomy bald doctor in leather jacket opened his mouth. "I became to obsessed to end it, it almost turned me into them."

The scarfed image for only a millisecond lifted his lip to the show of a smile but it vanished into the sadness and seriousness of the situation. "I could have started it and ended it on the same day." he said. "It wouldn't have made me one of them, but just an unthinking moron not deserving anyone's respect."

"I could have tried to stop them" The doctor answered back honestly at the group of the four mental images who stood side by side. "But that would be choosing war over life, it would have made me one of them."

And the images were gone. The doctor was left alone in his room that were in reality just as empty as it was 10 seconds ago, only real difference was that his head was finally silent.

"I'll never choose killing over protecting." he mumbled to himself. "Never"

_Seriously, every single actor to have ever portrayed the doctor in the classic series had blue eyes, yeas I did check all of them, and they do, it is kind of freaky o_O; _


End file.
